Surviving for Death
by TitanTipTop
Summary: Sandrine has caused trouble for the military police for too many years. When Erwin promises to take this dangerous trouble maker into the scouts and sets her into training, she runs into one of the biggest hard asses she's ever met. Levi Ackerman. She can't stand the neat freak with the stupid jokes. But after they both lose everything they have, their hatred begins to wash away.
1. Chapter 1-Responsibility

Surviving for Death

Chapter 1- The Letter that ends it all

_Regarding The Wanted __**Sandrine Durant;**_

_Miss Durant, the Military Police have made an outside contact to deal with your constant disregard of the law. They have asked us to deal with you appropriately. Your crimes of theft, assault, murder, ownership of government issued weapons, impersonating government officials, theft of government issued military gear, assaulting Military Policemen, conspiring against government officials, and the over hunting of preserved forest areas have proved you to be a menace of society as well as a danger to the peace inside the walls. You have two days to come forward peacefully to the military police headquarters in your area. If you fail to do this, we will come and reprimand you personally. Thankyou for your time._

The letter was left on my desk while i was helping to harvest some of the food from our fields. The accusations were technically true. But i was just doing the best for my village.

The King and the Military Police left the village to die. This all began 50 years ago as a group of impoverished people that moved out of the major cities tried to find refuge in farming towns. They were rejected from nearby villages and forced to create their own village from scratch. The village Drorf was created next to a highway transport road inside wall Maria. They lived by hunting in the forest that the highway ran through, but it wasn't enough to thrive. No matter how many times the reached out for help, nothing happened.

I was born into this village 19 years ago, the daughter two mayors who did their best to bring a basic way of life to the 150 people living here. My father hunted and served as the main lawmaker of Drorf. He worked hard to feed everyone, even during the winter when hunting was difficult. My mother built homes and educated the young in hopes of them being able to work in the bigger cities later on in life. I was forced to take over the village at 14 years old; i had grown up learning the ways to run the village and had already assisted my mother for two years after my father had died. Once my mother died of a disease we could not treat, the villagers insisted that i took control.

All of my crimes were for the good of my people. I stole to give my people supplies. I hunted to feed them. I had weapons to make this all easier. I killed to protect them. If anyone committed a crime it was the government; they abandoned their citizens and left them for dead. I was the one that helped them.

"So what does it say?" Hayden was standing at the door with her arms crossed in her usual way, she always seemed like she was trying to look uninterested in the situation, "Anything important?"

"No, trash from the government like usual," I ripped it in half and tossed it into the garbage, "Shouldn't you be helping build a new house?"

"Trajan is already starting-" i scoffed before she could finish her sentence, "I don't need to-"

"Hay, that house needs to get finished soon. I'm going out to get more supplies in the mean time. Just go and help so it can be done as quickly as possible."

She sighed, "Sandre, can't you let me help with the supplies just once?"

"Its a one man job."

She grunted and left without another word. Hayden had been helping run Drorf ever since I was put into this leadership position. She can be convincing, being relatively pretty in this area is all you really need, which can be an asset to me. Plus, she has incredible farming abilities; truly a huge help around here. But she wants to do all the dangerous things: wants to hunt at night and steal from traders and used the 3DM gear. But she's reckless, and I don't know if its safe for her to get involved in it until she grows up a little bit.

I needed to get started so I picked up my 3DM gear and pulled my black cloak on. The information I gathered disclosed that there would be a transport wagon moving through the highway around seven at night. It would be carrying wood and building supplies to the next district over. It should be taken by a few traders that shouldn't be armed. A simple enough task, but difficult to get the goods away from them. I'll have to knock them out and then take the whole wagon. It shouldn't require many, if any, weapons. So i took a few hand knives and a bow with a few arrows for simple protection.

It was already close to the time. I found a hidden spot in the leaves of the tree towering over the highway to get a good vantage point. It didn't take long for me to hear the wagon up the road. However, no one was talking; the traders were being quiet and keeping their heads down. The word of how dangerous this area is for traders must be getting around. I pulled my hood over my head, and before they could get much closer, I used my gear to swing down from the trees and land softly on the dirt road.

"Please, If you just leave the wagon and turn around this will be easy for you. I'm sure you know how this highway works." The wagon stopped but no one moved. They all kept their heads down. "Either pay up, or leave it all here. I don't want to get my hands dirty,"

This was all very strange. Most traders and transporters didn't look this _clean_. Or uniform: they all had on the same green cloaks. These couldn't have been traders at all. Under their covers, did they have _maneuvering equipment_?

"Shit-"

I shot my hooks up into the trees to the right to send me deeper into the forest. The sound the 3DM behind me sounded. They were all in pursuit. They definitely had numbers on me; there had to have been at least five of them with the wagon. However, I know these trees.

I took a quick look behind me to see two of them directly following me. That means there is at least one on each side. If there were more men, there may even be one in front of me.

I shot my left side directly up to sling shot myself above the trees. I flipped over and pulled myself back in the direction from which i came before hand. When i was back into the cover of the trees i took my bow from behind my back and hooked an arrow into it. I found placement in a tree with a good enough vantage point to see them come back this way.

When I heard the gear I got myself ready. This first guy was so fast that i think i only got him in the leg. The second went by before I had the chance to get another arrow. And my third arrow found its way into someone's side.

I heard someone land on the other side of the tree too late before they had a large blade pressed to my neck.

"You're good," he said, "but you didn't really think you could defeat us?"

I sighed and dropped my bow down to the ground below me, "I really did, I still do."

All of my knives were still in my waistband, so i pulled one out and slashed down his arm. I got away and dropped to the ground below me. The two men i had hit- one in the leg and one in the side- were down in the bushes. Two more men appeared behind me, and then the man who i cut.

He looked at the two injured men, "you're not all that good of a shot,"

I laughed, "I don't have to be; those arrows are poisoned."

The men gasped and i heard the two behind me pull out their blades, "Commander!" one of them called.

I whipped the knife out of my hand as i turned around and nailed one of the men in the stomach. I shot the grappling hook of my 3DM into the other one's leg and pulled him into me, he dropped his weapons in pain. By the time i had him in my arms with a knife to his throat I felt the cold tip of a blade on my neck.

The commander had gotten behind me.

"If you don't put him down in the next ten seconds, you won't see the sun ever again."

"and what if i kill him where he stands?"

"You won't get any nicer a fate. Trust me kid, you're going to want to give up here."

With five other men, I didn't truly stand a chance here. I knew this when I started; I just like a good fight.

"Ok, _Commander_," I dropped my knife and let the man go.

He pushed me to the ground and tied my hands together. I felt my 3DM gear get removed and my knives taken out of my belt. The Commander stood in front of me while someone else held my shoulders down.

He was a handsome man- too handsome for the military police, and too skilled too. He almost looked kind, blue eyes and blonde hair always made me want to trust somebody. Thats how I ended up trusting Hayden, afterall. A badge peaked out from under his green cape. The Survey corps. Why would the survey corps be handling something like this?

"Are you ready to talk now?" I didn't reply, "First, what kind of poison is on those arrows?"

I laughed a little which made the guys behind me push down on my shoulders, "They're not poisoned, its just a mental trick."

I thought i saw him smile for a moment, "Smart. So, where did you get the 3D maneuvering gear and where'd you learn it?"

I didn't want to sell out the old man in my village who got me access to it because he use to make it when it was younger, so i said, "I stole it from some people passing through the forest and tested it out until i understood how to use it. I have a lot of scars from failed attempts, if you don't believe me."

He nodded for a second, "So, Sandrine, I have a proposition for you. If you haven't already noticed I'm a commander in the Survey Corps. You can either agree to come with me and join the Corps, or I can hand you over to the military police, where I'm sure they have a nice public execution waiting for you."

I tried to struggle for a second before responding, "I would rather die than leave my village. I need to make sure those people are safe and healthy, it is my duty."

"What if i say i can promise an outstanding donation to your village from the Survey Corps should you join us. And if you serve for a minimum of five years you will be exempt from your crimes and allowed to return home. How does that sound?"

A large donation was exactly what my village needed. It would fix some poverty and hopefully get them back on their feet to become sufficient. I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay and make sure all would be well. However, the best thing seemed to be to leave them.

"If you assure the donation. And i won't get reprimanded or treated poorly because of when i did to these men today."

He nodded and smiled, "I can't assure the second part when I'm not looking, but I'll do my best. You know, I just picked up another kid just like you. He was a smart ass too. You'll both go through training before joining me. If you're up for that, then the deal stands."

"Then I'll do it. I'll become a scout."


	2. Chapter 2- First impressions

Chapter 2- First impressions

I had conditions to this whole recon corps thing, of course. Even if they had captured me, I wasn't going with them until I got some things in order at home.

When i demanded that they take me back so that I could take care of a few things back at the village first, their leader was skeptical.

"How are we supposed to trust you after this mess? If you tell me what kind of things you need to do, I _might_ consider."

"I have to make sure they all know where I am and what to do while I'm gone. You can sit in with anyone I talk to, and you can monitor what I do. But you beat me fairly, and I agreed to go with you; I may be a criminal, but I hold my word."

He looked around at his injured comrades, "All of you go back and take the wagon to headquarters. Leave two horses,"

All of his men seemed against it and protested for his safety, "Erwin, that's too risky, you know how much of a danger she is,"

"Don't worry, if she makes a wrong move, I'll kill her on the spot." Something about the tone of his voice made me believe him. I must have not been all that valuable of a recruit to the corps.

He pulled me up from the ground and pushed me forward so harshly that I almost fell right back down, "we're within walking distance, lead the way, Durant."

I expected the remainder of the walk through the forest to my village would be silent, but Erwin seemed to want to fill the time with small talk. He continuously asked me about my skills with 3DM gear, if I had ever fought with the weapons that the scouts had (which I had not), and whether or not I had ever even seen a titan. Once he realized he would mostly be getting one word answers, he decided to tell me about the other 'recruits' he picked up.

Aparently the other three were from the underground, which meant they might have had a worse life than I have, honestly. The underground, as far as I have heard, is brutal. They must be pretty hardcore criminals if they were put on the recon corps raydar all the way from there. Personally, I wasn't looking forward to being with them.

"You wouldn't think that the leader would that good in combat; he's a pretty small guy- actually he's about your height," He laughed.

"Maybe you shouldn't underestimate people, it could get you killed," I sighed, maybe joking about killing this guy wasn't my best idea in this situation, "Anyway, there will be a clearing in a second, my village will be there,"

As we reached the clearing I could hear the voices of some of the farmers, though we were still a little while away from the center of the village. I hadn't thought about what to tell them. It wasn't like I could pass it off as he was just passing though- I did have my hands tied behind my back, its not like it would go unnoticed.

"Stop, wait," Erwin's hands flinched towards his blades at my outburst, "If you don't untie my hands they'll all ask questions."

"Thats not my problem-"

"Yes, but I guarantee by the time we get to my office the entire village will have gathered there by then if you leave me tied; I doubt you want that kind of backlash. Plus, my closer associates won't take kindly to me being arrested so abruptly. They also know how to fight, and there's only one of you right now." He sighed, but looked like he might be considering it, "Erwin, if I can get the important people in a room and explain the situation, this will all be over quickly enough. I don't want trouble, I already agreed to go with you."

He reached to untie me and tucked the rope under his arm, "If you try anything-"

"You'll kill me, I get it,"

I walked through the bushes and greeted the people farming, trying to brushed off Erwin's presence the best I could and continued towards my office. On the way we passed the house that Trajan and Hayden were building.

"Hayden! You and Trajan meet me in my office. Find someone to get Lillian and bring her to me when we're done talking." I saw Hayden narrow her eyes at Erwin. She was already suspicious, I just hoped that Trajan could calm her down like normal.

"Those are the only people I need, lets go to my office to wait."

I lead him to the small wooden, one room house, and closed the door behind us, "I want you to take all of the weapons in this room and hide them. I can't promise Hayden won't try to cause trouble."

As i began to point out the locations of all of my weapons, which was extensive, Erwin questioned, "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"The village needs this donation, I personally don't want to keep it from them," there was a knock at the door and Hayden and Trajan followed, "Good, we need to chat,"

Trajan smiled handsomely and threw himself into the chair behind my desk, "Who's your friend, Sandy? More competition for me, playing hard to get again?" He laughed, and I couldn't help but smile.

Trajan was always close to me, and despite the fact that I knew he had always be interested in Hayden, he constantly flirted with me. I suppose it was mostly to make her jealous, but it was fun none the less. He was fairly attractive as well: tall with silky brown hair down to his jaw and a constant smile on his face. He was almost the opposite of Hayden, they matched pretty well.

"No, but I have some news for you two. I'm leaving today, after this meeting, actually," they both became tense and started questioning, "If I go with this man and join the Recon corps for five years, he'll give this village a donation to help us out. Drorf need the money more than it needs me, so thats what I'm going to do."

It was silent for a few second, "What the hell, Sandrine?" Hayden question, "You can't fucking do that, what if you die? What help will you be then?"

Erwin stepped in, "Either way, your village will get the donation,"

Hayden scowled, "Shut the hell up. Sandy, don't fucking do it- I swear to god."

"This is my choice, it's what I'm going to do. Regardless of whether or not you're happy, you'll live with it," I sighed, "In fact, both of you will be put in charge during my absence. I have a file written up about a path I was planning to take to lead the village, you can follow it, but i won't be upset if you don't. This is all in your hands now, please take care of everything my parents worked for."

Trajan stood up, his usual smile was gone from his face, "Sandy, what about Lillian? How is she going to take this?"

I tried to smile, "Well, I was going to leave her to you two. She loves you guys, she'll be comfortable with you."

They all stayed silent for a moment, then Trajan leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me, "I'll miss you Say, you stay safe out there,"

When he let me go I looked over to Hayden brooding in the corner, "Hayden, I have to do it, you don't understand-"

She stormed her way to the front door, "No, you clearly don't understand. Try not to die, will you,"

The door slammed shut after her and Trajan began heading out too, "I'll let Lillian in, see you in five years, Sandrine,"

Erwin stood awkwardly and glanced over at me, "Who's Lillian? There was nothing else in your file about any other family."

I tried to smile and ignore the fact that I would be leaving the most important person in my life behind. When the door opened I heard her little squeal as she ran towards me.

"Mommy!"

I picked my daughter up and put her on my hip, giving her a little kiss on the nose.

I gave birth to Lillian about two years ago, maybe a little less. Her father was a military policeman, not that I was aware at the time. Apparently, he moved into the village, pretending to be a poor former merchant, in order to gather intel on my weaknesses and crimes. He had stayed for about a year before we became close. And then he got me pregnant, still without revealing who he really was. A few weeks after Lillian was born, he told me: I kicked him out immediately. I don't know where Cooper Beckers went after that, and I don't care to. The only thing I have to remember him by is Lillian; she took his trait of curly hair, but she got my everything else. Brown hair, green eyes, pale skin- it was all mine.

"Lillian, mommy has something to tell you," I sat her on my desk and took her plump little face into my hands, "I have to leave for a little while-"

Before I could even finish my sentence, the tears began to swell in her eyes, "Mommy, no,"

"It will be okay, I promise. And its not forever, only for a little while and I can come back. You see, mommy has to make some money for the village, and when I do that, you and everyone else will have food and toys and books. This is good, Lillian," She reached out and wrapped her arms around my neck, "But for now, you're going to stay with Uncle Trajan and Aunt Hayden, okay? I know you like them. I love you sweety."

I pulled away from her and wiped a couple of tears from her cheeks.

"I love you too, mommy,"

After I hugged her one last time, I sent my daughter to go find Trajan. Erwin cleared his throat.

"Ready to leave then? We have to get back to headquarters soon. You can pack some things, but you won't need much.

I nodded my head and opened one of my desk drawers. Inside was a beat up pencil drawing of Lillian and me that Cooper had done before he left, I stuck it in my shirt pocket and made my way out the door.

"Erwin, how old are the other people you're bringing in?"

As he began to lead me down the path to find the horses left to us, he said, "Around your age, I think. One of them might be younger."

"Do they have any family?"

"I don't believe so, why are you asking?"

"I'm just curious, I want to know about who I'm going to be stuck with."

When we found the horses, Erwin informed me that there would be a carriage waiting for us about a mile away to take us to head quarters. The others would be there too.

I guess I had expected them to be more frightening, calloused and aged by the experience of such a dangerous life in the underground. But they all looked like kids: not dangerous, not buff, not experienced criminals, just kids. The three were obviously around my age, and didn't seem as upset as would be expected in this situation/

The girl, the one I had to sit next to, had bright and wide eyes. She even smiled at me, although mischievously, and was the first to introduce herself, telling me proudly that she was Isabel Magnola.

"Sandrine Durant," I didn't try to sound enthusiastic, mostly considering the situation, but she smiled at me none the less.

"It'll be nice to have a girl around for once. I've been with just these two for so long!"

I glanced at the other two on the opposite side of the carriage. On looked just as welcoming as the Isabel, he gave a small smile and nodded his head in my direction. The other one, however, didn't even glance at me; he kept his arms crossed and his gaze locked on the wall above my head. He looked so upset, I almost took it as constipation.

"Thats Farlen and bro-"

The dark one across from me cut her off, "Levi, Levi Ackerman" he said in a deep voice, "Stop talking, would you? We're not here to make friends." Isabel didn't argue with him, just obeyed and kept her mouth shut, as did Farlan.

I inspected the three for a moment. This 'Levi' was their leader, it was obvious from that little outburst, but that didn't make much sense to me. Farlan looked much larger and stronger, making him a better candidate; I wouldn't fight Farlan if I could avoid it, but I would jab Levi a few times just to annoy him. Levi's demeanor remained closed off and cold, but I wished to know more about the three and he wouldn't stop me.

"So Levi, you're the little leader here aren't you?"

The three stared at me for a moment, looking almost surprised that I had the audacity to speak after Levi condemned conversation.

Levi raised an eyebrow, "What about it?"

I could feel the tension begin to rise as I tried to smile at him, "Just trying to start conversation. If we're going to be comrades-"

Levi slammed the foot that had been crossed over his leg down and leaned to get close to my face, "We are not comrades, we will never be comrades. You're not one of us. So shut up you dirty fucking tramp, and fucking stay out of our way."

Now I understood why he would be the leader; I was taken aback and had to regain my composure.

Attempting to not seem too shocked, I snapped back, "Fine, when you and your little friends fuck up and turn into titan feed, don't expect me to fucking save you. I'll gladly watch you die in the worst way, then kill the titan afterwards so I can tell everyone I did my best to save you. Don't come fucking crying to me if they get killed, and don't ask for any favors."

"Bro why do you always do this?"

"Shut up, Isabel."

I didn't know how close we were to headquarters, but I planned to stare directly at Levi, as he did the same to me. His blue eyes were piercing and narrowed, but I never looked away; I would have to get use to the sight of my enemies- inside and outside the walls- if I wanted to survive the next five years.

A/N; Yay, Chapter 2! Please review if you have any comments on the story so far, and fav/follow! There will be more interaction with Levi in the next chapter and beyond that. And I figured that is goes without saying it, but this will story will end up having spoilers. Especially right now for A choice with no regrets. So if you haven't watched that you really should.

Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3-Freedom

Chapter 3- Freedom

It was finally time to leave the walls, the only place I have ever known. This would be the make or break moment of my whole life, this would be the thing that holds my fate.

The training they put us through was subpar at best; fighting off wooden titans in a solo setting wasn't exactly realistic. In reality I knew the titans wouldn't just stand idle while we slaughtered them, though I have no clue how fast they would be. I did know, however, that Levi wouldn't have much of a problem outside the walls. As much as I hate that bastard, he was dangerously skilled, and he was fast; I had honestly once believed that I was pretty adept with 3DM gear, but Levi's skills come close to putting me to shame. He held his blades like I held knives, it seemed more beneficial to me and I couldn't understand why the method wasn't adopted much earlier.

When I was positioned with Levi and his companions in the formation, I was secretly thrilled. With Levi near by, I may just have a better chance at survival. With Farlan and Isabel, I could only hope that they would stay alive as well; I had gradually become close to Isabel while staying with her, though we weren't exactly friends. But their mild companionship was helpful none the less. I knew that they weren't as skilled as Levi, but they were capable enough to stay alive, or at least I hoped.

I had almost not even notice that we had to charge forward due to my day dreaming. The gate had opened in front of us and the commander gave the order, men and women willing to sacrifice their lives all ran towards their possible end.

Mine and Levi's horses squeezed together as we passed through the gate. THe darkness of the corridor engulfed us both, and I strained my eyes to see his profile.

Maybe it was just the possibility of his death as well as mine, or the rush of blood through my veins due to the impending expedition, but I saw him in a different light, charging through that dim passage way. Even though Levi was a hardass who had barely spoken to me since we arrived, he wasn't much different than I was. I could see his determination and humanity; he was just a man trying to to what he had to in order to stay alive, just like I was.

I found myself opening my mouth to speak, and had to collect my nerves for a moment, "Levi?"

One of his eyebrows twitched up as he glanced over to me, his eyes narrowed, "What?"

"Stay alive, okay?"

He blinked a few times without responding and turned his head forward.

I guess I should have expected something like that out of him.

"If I have to carry your dead body back, Durant, I'll kill you over again," Levi paused for a moment and smirked, "I don't think even I could carry that much weight,"

And with that, Levi Ackerman ruined the closest thing to a moment we've gotten to, "What the hell are you getting on about!?"

As he open his mouth to respond, my eyes were flooded with light and I was blinded while my vision adjusted. When I could see once again, Levi was looking up into the sky with his mouth still open.

I looked around at the other scouts, all of them were staring straight forward except for Isabel and Farlan who were also marveling at the seemingly endless world.

And for good reason; after all of this training, I had forgotten that they came from the underground and weren't ever granted the option to see how beautiful nature could be. I couldn't blame them for starting, the purple and blues in the sky danced in such a carefree way that could make you forget how harsh the universe is. Birds flew around without a second thought and somehow even the ground felt different. Somehow, this experience could outweigh the dangers all by itself.

"Not bad," I heard from beside me. Exactly right.

We were quickly be rated for sightseeing and returned our sights to the expedition.

It was fairly slow, as far as I guess. But maybe that was because I hadn't fought my own titan yet. While Isabel, Farlan, and Levi all got to show their skills.

We had been traveling for a while, and the shining skies we saw earlier turned to rain.

The three were whispering to each other, being careful not to let me know anything.

I watched as Levi ran ahead of us. Leaving Farlan and Isabel behind was the last thing I expected him to do- regardless of his own personal mission.

The rain engulfed his figure and we were left with the white noise.

I glanced at the two on my left, and to my surprise neither of them looked concerned. Each had a distinct trust in both Levi's and their own capabilities, even in this foreign environment. It pushed them forward, left them with no doubts. The looks on their faces proved that they came with a goal and a purpose, and no matter what they would achieve it. Those three wouldn't just survive like I would- they would live. The privilege to live above ground was something I had always taken for granted, but they understood what a burden it was to not have that privilege. They all probably understood death better than I did. Was that why Levi was so fearless? Or is he the stupid one here?

"Don't worry, Sandrine," Isabel gripped the reins a little tighter, "Farlan and I can take care of anything that comes our way, and Bro can handle himself."

Farlan laughed, "Yeah, if we let you bite it, Levi'd kill us. But we shouldn't have an issue taking care of you, we can handle this."

Levi would kill them? What kind of joke was this?

"He wants-"

The redhead stopped when we heard an ungodly scream and the sound of a flare shooting off, but it was hidden by the wind.

I pulled off towards the sounds, "We have to help, lets go!"

We'd be going in blind, we didn't know what kind of titan it was, we didn't know how many people would be there, we didn't know anything.

We came into a clearing, blood immediately began to stain our horses' legs. There were enough dismembered parts for about ten soldiers, with one titan standing hunched over in the middle of the horror. I pulled my horse into a stop and my comrades barely avoided colliding with me.

"Durant- What are you doing? Lets go!"

The titan whipped its head around to look at us- and my nerves turned to stone.

My first titan, and it turned out to be a nightmare; its red eyes up through the fog and rain to pierce directly into my mind, keeping me rooted into place as a body slipped out of its mouth onto the ground.

I should have let them kill me when Erwin captured me. Anything to avoid this. But the village needed the money more than they needed me.

But Isabel and Farlan jumped off of their horses and pulled out their blades, ignorant in the face of that monster. I couldn't let them go alone.

"Wait!"

I pulled out the 3DM pistols and equipped myself. If ignorance was going to determine how quickly the people that I cared about most would receive compensation for all of the wrongs imposed upon them, then I would me the most ignorant, stupid, and conceited bastard there was out there. And I wouldn't let others die for me to do it.

Farlan had already shot his hooks into one of the legs of the titan and swung underneath it. But it was fast, like nothing we were ever prepared for, and in stepped down onto the wire with its other foot before Farlan gained much air behind it.

Isabel and I took the advantage of it turning its back to shoot ourselves on to both of its shoulders. Its jerky movements as it went after farlan forced me to plunge a blade into its neck to have something to hold on to.

I looked around its back to see Isabel eye the nape. I froze in place as i saw the plan forming in her head, then she jumped down to get an angle cut in, but its arm reached around to swat her out of the air, and she flew to the ground.

I was so preoccupied with trying to see her that I didn't notice it moving its other hand before it was crushed me between its neck and palm. The only thing that kept me from dying was the handle of the blade sticking out of its neck and keeping enough space between the hand and neck for me to escape, though harmed. But it didn't just let me off, the hand curled around me, and pulled me in front of its horrid face, breaking my gear and separating me from a handle.

I stared blankly into the face of the beast that had been forcing humanity to hide for so long, but I didn't find any understanding in it. I didn't even try to escape.

I once hoped that once I came face to face with a titan that I would finally understand why all of the strifes happen, and I'd know how to save humanity. I dreamed that I would bring about change for not only my people but all people.

But all I got was control- they controlled us and we were powerless, no matter how hard we fought. The strong killed the weak, the hunters killed the prey.

It stared back at me like it knew- knew that it would survive and I would not.

I was so shocked when Farlan cut open the fingers so I could escape, that I didn't even try to catch myself when I fell to the ground.

My gear broke most of the force from my fall, assuring me that it was most definitely broken.

"Sandrine!" I ran on my damaged leg over to Isabel, feeling my bones groan and crack.

But before i could get to her, I saw her expression change. The carefree girl from training was lost and her face flooded with despair. I heard the distinct wet sound of tearing flesh from behind me, and a gurgling scream that was cut short.

"Farlan-"

She tried to push past me, but I gripped the sleeve of her jacket, "No, you need to get out alive, Isabel."

But she pulled her arm back, the survey corps badge ripped off into my hand in the process.

As she ran towards the awaiting monster, I managed to whimper, but couldn't stop her.

My gear was broken, and my body was damaged: I couldn't help her. I made my way as quickly as I could towards our horses and climbed onto the closest one, taking up my time as I felt by injuries become worse with the work.

Her badge stayed wedged in my palm while I left.

I fled from the scene, and my duty. I saved myself, and I sacrificed them. I threw away all of my morals in the face of a titan, and I put others in danger.

And I left them to die.

I rode for a few minutes without a real clue as to where I was headed, my brain wasn't working.

I could hear the sound of a horse getting closer, and I hoped it was a superior. Even if they berated me for my failure, they might be able to help.

But Levi's face formed out of the rain, determination and strength dripping off of him. I worried he could see the cowardice in my eyes.

"Levi, please don't go down there-" Sadly, that bastard was all I had left, and I didn't want to lose him too, "Please-"

"Isabel and Farlan. Where are they?"

His commanding voice forced my breath to catch in my throat. Facing his strength after what my weaknesses had done was impossible. But I couldn't live my whole life running from my mistakes.

Before got the courage to respond, he turned heel and took off towards the disaster, charging into save his friends.

I stood still in the rain, letting the reality of this life wash over me.

The last thing I wanted was to live through the horror that took someone's family away. I can't justify my life over theirs, I can't justify leaving them behind. I couldn't justify what i had done.

Before I realized, I was chasing Levi, already halfway to the spot where my morals had died.

I didn't know what I was expecting.

Part of me was hoping that Isabel was successful, she beat the titan, and Farlan was safe. That noise we heard was just his blades through its arm, she was running off so they could beat it together. Levi showed up right afterwards, they would tease me about how I ran off, how I wasn't fit for the corps. And they'd be right.

But I was wrong.

I heard his screams before anything else. The sound was so ear shattering that I thought it was coming from the titan at first, and I only realized when I returned to the clearing that it was really his sorrow.

Levi was swarming, cutting up whatever flesh he could get to as long as it wasn't the nape. He screamed so loud that I thought the noise alone would alert the rest of the corps. I could only watch as his rage broke free, leaving all abandon behind.

My horse inched closer, but I whipped the reins back, forcing my head to turn so I couldn't see his despair. I couldn't face my faults.

And I ran before Levi was done with his revenge.

A/N; Sorry for the angst, and sorry I changed Farlan's and Isabel's death a little bit just to make it fit.

Uploading was slow to to school, but it should pick up soon.

Reviews and comments are helpful and welcome! Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4-Feeling

Chapter 4- Feeling

It had been seven days since the survey corps returned to the barracks. Subsequently, it had been six days since I had left my room.

When I had Initially joined, Isabel and I were the only ones in our room despite the presence of enough bunks for six more people; I assumed that they didn't want any real corps members to dorm with criminals. Because of this, not many people noticed my absence, so I'm sure most had assumed I died with Farlan and Isabel like I should have.

After I fled from Levi during the exhibition, I rode for about five minutes before I ran into someone to lead me to Erwin, I gave him the location of Levi and the titan, then retreated to the back of the formation to find any medical help I could. I didn't find out about the outcome of the situation until after we returned to the walls.

I was getting my abdomen wrapped because of the pain in my ribs when the nurse told me; Isabel and Farlan were, in fact dead, and Levi had survived and destroyed the titan- and she made it very clear that he did not kill it, but destroy it. Then she noticed my discomfort and refused to tell me anymore details after that, saying that she didn't want to upset me anymore than I already was.

I could only imagine what it would feel like to have that rage unleashed on me, to have Levi force me to feel his pain over his lost family.

In the following days, that nurse had brought me food and water, leaving it at the dresser next to the door and picking up what ever leftovers there were while i was asleep. She was the only one who acknowledged my existence, every once in a while she would walk over to rub my back and try to cheer me up, but it never worked.

When I heard footsteps coming up to the door, I rolled over and stuck my hand under my pillow to grip Isabel's patch, and I pretended to sleep in hopes that she wouldn't try to talk to me.

But I didn't hear the usual clatter of dishes, instead there was a voice I could only recognize as the man who captured me weeks ago, "You know you have to _serve_ the next five years, you can't just hide away in your room when an expedition doesn't go right."

I tried to slow my breathing so it didn't make a noise, hoping he might just give up and leave; but when I didn't respond, he continued.

"No expedition goes right; and it will always be like that whether you accept it or not. Just because this was personal to you doesn't make it any different. They're just casualties now- numbers, if it makes it easier for you to cope. And it makes it even easier if you go in with the assumption that the guy next to you won't come back with you, you'll stop expecting everyone to be around forever, stop acting like such a selfish chil-"

"I know people don't last forever, I know they don't stick around, and I probably know that better than someone like you from the inner-walls." I didn't move when I spoke, and my voice was raspy and broke from lack of use.

I could have sworn I heard him laugh, "So that criminal I picked up is still there? Snark and will to live and all? You better show it; you can't survive here if you don't pick yourself up when this happens, you can't let it get to you, you can't regret it. Otherwise, your daughter just may have to watch your execution; If you don't get back to serving for us, training and chores and all, I'll hand you to the military police. If you have it in you to last five years, you can go back to them. But in the meantime, I suggest you get your act together, or they won't get their money." The door creaked as he began to close it, "And I guarantee you don't know better than me."

When the door shut I sat up and pulled the patch up to my face. It was dirty and bent, stained with some blood on the side.

Was it really my right to keep this? She wasn't my friend. It was just my fault, and I was being selfish again.

As I walked over to the door, I pulled on my undershirt to cool my nerves, then trekked my way across the hall to where the men's dorm was- or Levi's room, considering no one else stayed there anymore.

I knocked on the door silently, taking into account that it was late and the others in the rooms around us may be sleeping. Silently, I hoped that he would be sleeping and that I could just retreat back into my own domain, but my luck proved me otherwise.

"Eh? Durant? Where the hell have you been?"

Levi's eyes were clouded by dark circles and he wiped the exhaustion out of his eyes. The last week hadn't been any easier for him. With how late it was, he should have been sleeping; he was even in a sleeveless undershirt and comfortable pants, but I saw a few candles burning in the background, as if he weren't expecting to sleep anytime soon.

I took a deep breath and clutched the patch behind my back, "Can I come in?"

His eyes widened a bit and he stuttered to say something before giving up and pulling the door open.

I stepped into the middle of the room and waiting for the door to close before holding the patch out as far away from myself as I could manage.

He took it into both hands and inspected it, silently gripping it tightly, "Is this-"

"Isabel's. It ripped off of her jacket. She- uh," I looked up at Levi, his expression unwavering, and just seeing his face forced by breath back down into the pits of my body,"Levi,"

He continued to stare at me, and I wished I could say I saw anger in his eyes, but it wasn't there. I certainly felt like he should be angry with me, and I wanted him to let go of the anger, to show that I wasn't the only one in this forsaken corps with emotions. I had seen his rage once, and I wanted to see it once more just to prove that I hadn't ruined his ability to feel; I didn't want him to shut down because of what I did. I didn't even know why: affection, or guilt, or selfishness. The tension clawed at my brain, and I wanted to do anything to stop it- to run away or to run at him where the only options. I just didn't know if he would let me either way.

Levi still wouldn't move, even his hands stayed still, wrapped around the little piece of fabric. His eyes were cold, even though they lacked anger, but he began to soften as I fidgeted.

"They died because of me. I left them when they needed me, and because of that they're dead. You should blame me, you should hate me. And I was keeping that like some sort of sick memory, I haven't let go of it in six days. But it's not mine to keep, and it just goes to show how selfish I've been about this mess. They were your family, and I ruined that for you."

He shifted his eyes down to the badge, turning it over and rubbing his fingers along the grooves. Neither of us spoke, and the tension in my head made the time stretch into years. The muscles in my legs ached and I felt the skin around my fingers begin to bleed from picking at them.

I was about find my way to the door when Levi's deep voice rooted me in place, "I left them too. They trusted me, and they died after I left." He took a few long strides to put the badge into a dresser drawer and slam it shut, rooting me in place as my body shivered with the loud noise, "They didn't trust you, and you didn't trust them, so you should forget about it. They shouldn't have gone after that titan, and you being alive shows that there was an option to run that they didn't take. So forget about it, stop blaming yourself. What have you been doing all of this time? Crying about it in your room like a whiney baby? Stop that, and get back on your feet already, you brat. What happened to happily watching us get eaten?" He leaned back on the dresser and crossed his arms, "you know you're strong, you might as well show it."

My hands pulled into fists and my nails dug into my palms, I let my emotions take hold as I threw my words at him, "Why aren't you mad at me? I saw you that day! Why won't you do something about it? You were angry! You were-"

Before I had even finished my sentence, Levi had crossed the room and crushed my shoulders into his hands as to pull me closer to his face, "You want me to be angry?" He yelled, "You want me to hit you? Validate your guilt? Your regret? You think that will fix everything?"

The air quieted and his words hung around us as we noticed how near the other was. We were so close I could smell him, his breath, all that he had to offer. All of his features were so fine and sharp: the color under his cheeks, the cuts on his jaw. I watched the mix of the blues and greys in his eyes as they raked down my face; both of us soaked in the features of the other, almost like we expected the other to not be there the next day. When his nose brushed up against mine, we both pushed back violently.

His voice quieted down, and he started to be softer, "You want me to fix this for you?"

I couldn't find my voice so he continued, "I can't bring them back, we just have to live with it."

I decided it was my turn to approach him, "But you can still miss them, or mourn them even."

I reached down to find one of his hands, but he froze when I did so. I turned over the palm and felt the callouses and cuts from his hard work and skill. I traced a scar that had formed down the length of his palm and looked up to where he had stopped, "Just because you said we should move on doesn't mean you should forget about them. I know I need it-I don't know for sure if you do, but you might. I just need to know I'm not the only one that thinks that,"

I felt his pulse speed up under my hand, and his mouth opened, but he decided not to say anything.

"Can I stay here tonight? I just haven't seen anyone in days-"

He cleared his throat and pulled his hand back, "You, uh- If you need to," Levi slowly regained his cold exterior as he made his way over to his own bed, "But I'm not your keeper, brat. This is it, and you're out in the morning."

While he pulled himself into bed I pulled a few blankets and a pillow on to the floor from another bunk, and threw them beside his bed.

"Why are you-"

I didn't want to tell him why, he might think it's weak. But I use to let Lillian sleep in my bed and I would take the floor so there was room- it made me feel like I was back at home. And I wanted to be closer to him- that was comforting too.

But he couldn't know.

"Goodnight, Levi."

With discomfort, I turned over so I was facing his bed and closed my eyes, knowing I wouldn't be getting much sleep down on the ground.

I spent a good amount of time listening to his breathing in the dark before he whispered, "Stupid brat,"

I heard Levi push himself out of the other side of the bed and walk around to where I was. He effortlessly pulled me up from the ground and placed me in his bed. I felt the covers, still warm from his presence wrap around my body.

I dared to open my eyes while his back was turned to climb into the next bed over, and closed them before he could see me.

"Goodnight, Durant."


End file.
